Thursday, 6 September 2012

Twilight (non)Fan-Fic: If Bella Had Any Sense

He stared deep into her dark questioning eyes. "I love you," said Edward, his voice strained with an unspoken pain. And he put his arms around Bella, pulling her close. All was quiet for a few moments, as they read each other's faces in silence, only against the backdrop of sparrows twittering in the trees above. 

Finally, Bella spoke.

"That's gross." 

"What?!" exclaimed Edward, completely taken aback.

"I said that's pretty gross. I mean, you're a hundred years old at least. I'm what, like, 16? I don't know what they called that in your century but in mine, you're a pedobear." 

"N-no.." he stammered. "You know how much you mean to me, Bella."

"Oh I do. You watch me while I sleep, you appear at my window at random hours of the day and night, you started staring at me and breathing down my neck around school a bunch of times after just having known me for five minutes. I'm kinda getting stalker vibes from you, Edward. And not in a good way."

"Your blood... it calls to me," he responded, weakly, as though for an explanation.

"That's the other creepy thing. Sometimes you look at me like I'm a hamburger." 

"I- I'm sorry... you know I'd never hurt you."

"I know you're trying really hard not to sink your teeth into my neck. Thanks. But still. I feel a restraining order coming on." 

"But, I  mean, I thought you loved me."

"That's just something I said 'cause you're hot. And anyway, I met your family the other day and damn son, them crackers be cray-cray." 

"I know my family's not exactly-"

"They're vampires. And they play baseball. What the actual fuck? And your brother tried to kill me the other day. Which was awkward. Also why do you sparkle so much? Do you throw glitter on yourself in the morning to feel fabulous?" 

"Only sometimes."

"It's over, Edward. I need a man my own age. Like Taylor Lautner." 

"But he's a werewolf!" 

"Yeah that could pose a problem eventually... but at least he isn't like a jillion years old and doesn't watch me while I sleep. I mean seriously, why do you do that?" 

"I just want to make sure you're safe, Bella."

"Two words: PERSONAL SPACE."

"Okay... I guess... this is goodbye then?"

"Yeah but could you give me a piggy-back ride through the woods like you normally do one last time? And drop me at the supermarket? I'm short on cereal." 


  1. "I'm kinda getting stalker vibes from you, Edward. And not in a good way."

    So you think there's a good way to be stalked?
    Good, because I've been watching you, and now I know you like it.