When Monsters Become Real

Last night, I dreamt I was back in Delhi.

I was taking the metro train at 9pm on a weekday, back from Hauz Khas, a time and direction in which the train is often barely occupied. I was in the women's compartment as usual. It was winter so I was wearing my favourite grey jacket.

I hadn't even got to the blue line yet - there was more than half an hour to get to my station. We slow down to a station and I notice a group of boys get on in the next compartment. They're noisy and chattering, they look like college students, my age. The usual.

I'm staring out the window and watching the buildings rush by. Suddenly I hear someone has been addressing me, snapping me out of my reverie. 'Hey... hey! How are you?' a male voice says to me in Hindi from the next compartment. I turn and it's the typical leering, jeering face of a young man that we females are so used to encountering, at the mall or on the street or in public transport, whether in India or Sri Lanka (I would like the boys reading this to take a moment to consider this reality - to try and imagine a life in which being jeered and leered at by strangers is a 'normal' 'every day' occurrence).

I ignore him as I do every one of these types, brushing it off as we always do, turning back to the window. A moment later he is standing a foot away from me, in my compartment. I suddenly become acutely aware that I am the only person in my compartment. I remember feeling an inexplicable gripping fear.

He was not doing anything. It didn't turn into a 'nightmare' - his face wasn't scowling, he hadn't put his hands on me, the florescent lights above were still brightly lit. Just that I was aware that I was the only person in my compartment, and there was a man my age now standing a foot away from me, and his male friends were standing a few feet behind him, laughing and poking each other, throwing sidelong glances at their pal. My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt a sense of dread filling me up. I remember becoming aware that he was taller and quite obviously stronger than me. 'What happened?' he mumbled in Hindi, a laugh in his voice, as he sensed my tension.

Then just when I was going to move away from him, he raised his hand - in a non-threatening way - as though to put it on my arm. Before he could, I let out a little yelp, and I woke up.

I woke up like you do after a fast-paced nightmare about being chased by rabid zombies, sweaty palms and heart in throat and all. What was so scary about that dream? The whole thing felt like no more than 5 minutes and had virtually no action, featuring only my apprehension at being a few feet away from a group of men in an isolated metro compartment. The realness of the dream also struck me: those feelings of apprehension and anxiety were very real, I would have reacted the same in real life.

The thing about nightmares, is that usually you can wake up and say 'Phew! It was just a dream - rabid zombies aren't real!' I can't say the same for this nightmare. (Click Here). 

Marriage-ophobia

I turn 23 in February, which in Sri Lankan Muslim sp33k is code for 'ah here, it's time to find a partner for this one ah'.

I'm terrified.
Don't get me wrong, my parents are extremely understanding, liberal people, and would never force me into anything. My mother got married only at 29 after medical college, a mad old age for the marriage of a girl by ordinary conservative Muslim standards. They don't care if I find someone myself or if I want them to find somebody, and either way, I'll get to know him before the actual thing.

But it's not even a Muslim thing anymore.
Everywhere I look, people are getting married or having babies. My friends are getting old, man. Blurry Instagram pics of weddings of peers fill up my newsfeed, some married friend says 'hey I'm pregnant!' - and I'm here, like, what the hell? Where did all the time go?

You don't have to get married so, just wait.

This is what I told myself and tried every possible way to argue it out with people. But I don't know, on the other hand I'm far from the dating-around type - it probably makes me retrogade but I don't like the idea of perpetually trying-on-a-new-relationship till you find the mythical 'one'. And honestly for how long can you keep playing that game before it just gets ridiculous especially in an Asian society? I do also appreciate the security and social order that a marriage typically signifies. Also my mother claims at some point you'll be the only single person in your clique and then they won't invite you to their tea parties anymore because they'll be afraid you'll steal their husbands.

Yeah, okay, mother.

So what's the big deal, Shifani? Everyone gets old and everyone gets married, don't be a pussy.

I'll tell you what's the big deal. 

1. I have come to realize that I have really shit taste in men, judging from 90% of the people I've felt affection for so far. They're usually completely aimless principle-less anarchists, and almost always, at the end of the day I go 'what the hell was I thinking?' (the idea of my parents making a saner, more secure choice is actually more comforting, oftentimes.)

2. But then I also have this gripping fear that either way, 1.5 years into the marriage - I'll have this conversation with my husband about, say, kittens - a subject we've never broached before. And he'll say 'kittens are so annoying and stupid, I just wish they'd all die'. And then I'll be like, 'WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY' and I'll realize 'oh no, I am married to a kitten-hater, oh god what has my life become' but then it'll be too late because you're stuck with this fellow forever and ever since you've committed yourself, especially if there are kids involved. My children will be fathered by a kitten hater. (the kittens here may be a metaphor for several sorts of things, or quite literally, may just mean kittens - because seriously, what kind of horrible, horrible person hates kittens?) 

I'm an independent-spirited sort of person, and I've been raised that way. I do my own thing and life changes according to my own decisions, and no one else's. So I think this is all just basically a fear of being stuck to someone forever. Suddenly, you wake up in the morning and you realize, hey I can't book a train ride out of town to that awesome joint for the fun of it, because I have to take the little one to the doctor because of its nappy rash, and I have to work it out first with the ball-and-chain husband's schedule.

On the other hand, maybe I'm just subscribing to the stereotypical Western notion of 'omg marriage is, like, so last century'. Mostly, though, I think I'm just panicking about this growing up stuff, as per usual. Mum says life is short and life is full of challenges and you're going to have problems whether you get married or not, so just face it and deal with it as it comes. Also she said you have to get married because I'd like to have loads of fat, beautiful grandchildren.

Yeah, okay, mother.